I Get Weak

There are just moments of pure bliss in this life. Rare, fleeting moments, but moments so amazing the beauty of them can feed your soul for days or weeks, even, as long as you choose to hold onto them and allow their purity to infuse your being.

Last night I had the great fortune to live one of those moments.

While Scott played guitar in preparation for his next show, I lay on the floor sorting through pictures from Brendan's soccer game, just enjoying the music. A couple of songs in, Brendan comes out of his room and stands outside our doorway, listening. When he saw me peeking around the door at him, he smiled the biggest smile and ran to me, arms outstretched. I asked him why he wasn't in bed and he said, very seriously, because I just love you and wanted to be with you. I put him back to bed and returned to my laptop. After about 10 minutes, I hear his door open. A surprisingly lengthy time later – maybe 30 seconds – he appears at our door, but doesn't come in. Again, I ask why he's not in bed, and he very sweetly and shyly says, "Well, Mommy, I just love you so much and I really want to be here with you and I just can't control myself.

He was so very earnest and sweet. I held my arms out and he threw himself into them and gave me the biggest, sweetest hug.

I know he was playing me, a bit, wanting to stay up past his bedtime and hear his daddy play guitar. I know he was just curious about what goes on after he's asleep. But it still melted my heart and made me feel incredibly blessed. Looking at Scott and Brendan and seeing how much alike they are, my heart felt like it would burst from the overflowing of love I felt for my beautiful husband and this amazing little child we made together.

Sometimes, I feel like the weight of my love for Scott and our sons will crush me all the while it sustains me. I spend so much time worrying about them, worrying about losing their love, worrying about not being worthy of their love in some way.

Maybe that's why these moments when I am simply in the moment, feeling and being, and not doing anything seem so beautiful and prized.

I mean ultimately, I know that my fears are meaningless. I need to simply be in this life and enjoy every moment of it, the beauty and the mess of it all.