Oh, Sister: Thank Goodness for Siblings

All this week National Public Radio has been doing a series on siblings and sibling relationships. I've really enjoyed listening to these segments. As an only child, I often find myself baffled by the interactions of siblings, especially my own two sons. And I'm fascinated by birth order. Am I more like a baby or a first-born seeing as how I am both? And what about twins and the siblings of twins? How does birth order work for them? It's all endlessly fascinating to me, but at the end of the day, I still feel like I've missed out on one of the most amazing relationships in the world by not having a sibling.

When I see my girlfriends going off to do things with their sisters, like shopping or baking during the holidays, I always feel a pang of envy. How lucky are they! As I child I was addicted to the Trixie Belden books. I longed to have a big family like Trixie's with a wise and sensible older brother to look out for me like Trixie's older brother Brian.

In reality, I was very lonely as a child, so when it came time for us to decide whether or not we wanted an only, in my heart the decision was already made. Yes, by having an only we could give him much more in terms of material possessions and opportunities in life. But what would all that be worth if our son walked through life all alone, without the ties that a sibling can give you.

I don't know that anything can compare to the shared experience siblings, especially those who are close in age, have.

My father chose not to be a part of my life and unless he's dead, he's out there. Somewhere. And somewhere out there, I most likely have siblings. Or half-siblings. Sisters or brothers who might look like me. Think like me. Sound like me. But unlike me, I hope they had, not only the love of our father and their mother, but the love of each other.

If you have a sibling, this Thanksgiving let them know how much they mean to you. If you're not close, work a little harder to get to know them. Once your parents are gone, you will only ever truly have each other and you'll be thankful then to have someone who shares the same memories and life experiences as you. Someone who can always help you remember.

Brothers

Sometimes the love my sons show for one another shames me. They have such an amazing bond with one another, despite the normal sibling rivalry they also have.

If one of them is hurt or sad, often before I can make a move to comfort, the other brother is there, holding a hand, asking what's wrong, and trying to make his brother feel better.

They constantly say "I love you" to one another, share with one another, work hard to make each other laugh. 

Frankly, I am a little envious of their relationship. I never had a sibling and their bond is so amazing, and I pray, unbreakable, that I can't help but wish I had that. How I long for a sister.

I am incredibly thankful, though, that I get to see my sons experience this.

Of course, they're not perfect. I hear my share of "NO! THAT'S MINE!!!!" and "GET OUT OF MY ROOM!" And sometimes, their bickering drives me crazy.

But their love for one another really overwhelms any sibling rivalry. 

This week Brendan went to visit his grandparents without Beckett. It was Boys' Week for the older grandsons and Beckett was deemed too young to keep up with all the activities planned for the big kids. On Monday when I dropped Brendan off, he was begging me to let Beckett go with him, saying he'd miss him. When it was time for bed that night, Beckett was sad because he was worried that Brendan wasn't sleeping at home.

Beckett has been on the verge of tears several times this week saying, "Brendan's never coming home. I miss Brendan." It's been a little heartbreaking.

Of course, today the first thing he told me was, "I don't want Brendan to come home." Then, he smiled slyly, and laughed when his dad said, "You do, too, want Brendan to come home."

I can't wait to enjoy those first few minutes when they're reunited today, when they're joyful and happy to see on another, before I hear the cries of "NO! MINE!".

Think For Yourself

Both of my boys have been sick multiple times the last few weeks. Colds. Croup. Stomach bugs. Sore throats. Coughs. You name it, I think they've had it. So, I decided it might be in my best interest, and theirs, to give them Airborne children's lozenges to try and boost their immunity and ward off a few of these things. Doing so, led to a surprising, but apparently much needed lesson in motivating my children and understanding sibling dynamics.

As anyone who has read my blog for any time knows, I am an only child. Managing the sibling relationship is really an interesting experience for me and sometimes my methods are heavy-handed or clumsy, I think, despite always being well-intentioned.

Beckett, being the younger brother, wants to emulate everything his big brother does. It's easy to motivate him or encourage him to do almost anything I want by suggesting to him that his brother is doing it, eating something I need or want Beckett to eat, or that his brother will be where I want him to go. I forget sometimes that it will not work in the reverse fashion. Telling Brendan to do something because his baby brother is doing it works great if Brendan perceives the opportunity to be in his advantage or if it involves eating something he likes already. It's not as effective if he can't see the value of performing said task, i.e. doing what I want him to do doesn't result in getting a treat or surprise of some sort or failure to perform result in being punished.

I have trouble with this. In my mind, if your sibling is doing it, why wouldn't you want to do it? Don't you feel left out? It's the never-ceasing sense of loss only children experience, I think. Unaccustomed to sharing and frequently alone if not lonely, the only child has difficulty imagining not wanting to be included.

So, when I offered Brendan his Airborne after his brother had taken his and he refused it, my natural response was, Well, your brother took his and he liked it.

Now, I admit, I'm not fond of the Why-can't-you-be-more-like-your-brother implications of such a statement. But seriously? Why can't you be more like your brother and just politely take your damned medicine without a fight?

Brendan's response to me was one that I absolutely could not argue with. And let me tell you, it's no fun being out logicked by a five-year old. Yet, I am proud of him for his thoughtfulness in responding.

He said, Mom, it's not like we have the same brain! We don't always like the same things.

Well, duh.

Thanks for the reminder, you wee independent cuss. I respect your sense of self.

Different But the Same

How is it that two children borne of the same parents, with the same essential genetic makeup, can be so very different? Night and day may be a cliché, but if the cliché fits....

This morning in the wee, wee hours, Beckett awoke in tears, gums aching with the pain of sharp new baby teeth poking through their delicate surface. At 2 a.m. I was in his room, giving him Tylenol and a bottle. He had already awoken at 12:15 screaming with what we thought at the time was a nightmare. Scott brought him into our bed where he cuddled sleepily, chewing the tail of his beloved puppy dawg and giving us the sweetest smiles. When he seemed sleepy enough I put him back in his crib and he settled in cuddling his doggie.

Just as I was drifting off while watching Conan interview a stripper bellydancer, I was snapped back to the here and now with more screaming. This time, I went in and just tried stroking his hair and he settled down, until I walked out his door to go back to bed. I thought, "He always puts himself back to sleep, so I'll just let him cry it out and he'll be fine." Ha!

He cried for over 10 min. and I couldn't take it. Even burying my head couldn't help me escape. This is entirely unusual for Beckett who has been an excellent sleeper from day one. So, I ended up, back in Beck's room. This time I brought the big guns. Tylenol. A bottle. And cuddly time.

I lifted him from the crib and we settled in the cozy blue velvet chair in his room where we sit to read before his nap every day. I just cradled him in my arms and stroked his hair and forehead while he smiled sleepily up at me and played with my face. He talked softly to him and massaged his jaw and cheekbones. Before long he was very relaxed and starting to drift off so I put him back into his bed where he settled in peacefully and was asleep almost instantly.

With Brendan, I would have been up until 5 a.m. He would never let me sit and cuddle him and ease him back into sleep. He would have screamed at the top of his lungs the entire time, taking the bottle, but batting away the Tylenol. Instead of sitting quietly and rocking, I would have had to pace the floor until I was ready to drop. Each time he quieted and I would try to sit with him or place him back into his crib, he would start screaming again. And this would repeat until I finally just gave up and put him down on the floor with some toys, lying down beside him, and praying he would wear himself out quickly.

And this went on for three years, more or less.

Why are they so different?

There are many other ways.

By this age, Brendan was playing much more independently. He was taller and thinner. Their interests, too, were very different. Brendan has always noticed details. From the time he was six months old he would look up at the sky and point out airplanes, helicopters, birds, and bugs. He would pick flowers and give them to me and point at any little thing that caught his eye and want us to tell him what it was. And he's still like that today.

Beckett could walk past an airplane parked in the driveway and not notice it I think. He's much more about the experience of things. He's very physical and wants to climb on everything, including you.

I'm just constantly amazed at how different two members of the same family can be, especially siblings. Still, they are alike in one very important way.... They both exhibit a very great capacity to show love and joy. They both love each other very much and have fun together. So for now, their differences don't really matter.

They just fascinate me. And sometimes I wonder if it's that they are so very different or if it's me who's changed.

So, I'd love to know if you see major differences in your children. Are you and your siblings different? How did those differences affect your relationship? Did your parents try to make you or your siblings more like one another or compare you?

Dizzy Miss Lizzy

Do you ever have so much going on (in your life, in your head, in your heart) that you just don't know what to write about or where to begin?

That's kind of...No, that is how I feel right now.

We've been so busy and active the last few weeks. Scott's music. I've had a freelance project or two. I'm still working on the wedding I'm directing in June. I'm trying to figure out what to do for childcare this summer so I can work while Brendan's not in preschool. My 15-year college reunion is this weekend and I kind of forgot about it. I knew it was coming, but it snuck up on me.

I'm also trying to convince myself that sending Brendan to a public 5-day pre-K program in the fall is the right thing to do even though I want to keep him a baby, my baby, for as long as possible. I feel like 5-day public school will be the death knell for his innocence. I sound like a snob, but I really don't want my baby being exposed to a bunch of ruffian bad boys and I think that's what most boys aged 5-12 tend to be. And those are exactly the kids he'll be around at public school. Brendan is sweet and thoughtful and sensitive and I don't want that taken away from him, nor do I want him bullied for having those traits.

The other option is to keep him in the private preschool where he is now for pre-K. I guess I should do a pro-con list. Our neighborhood school really is excellent. I guess I'm just being a worried, overprotective mama.

And in other news...Both the boys have been super cute and sweet. Beckett really is taken with his older brother. It's absolutely the sweetest thing I've ever seen. If Beckett is crying and I can't get him to settle, Brendan will say, Maybe he wants me. And lo and behold if that baby doesn't stop crying and break out into the biggest grin you've ever seen when big brother comes around. I love it. It really is so beautiful to see the love growing between the two of them. And it makes Brendan so happy to think that he's responsible for helping make his brother happy. Who knew?

For the most part, things are good. There are a couple of things I'd love to talk about, but just can't. I can't put that much of myself out there right now. Maybe someday.