Build Me Up, Buttercup

I was a little surprised by how much the essay by New York Times writer Pamela Druckerman resonated with my friends. Not that what she says isn't essentially true, but rather because it seemed to really strike them as revelatory, where as to me it was covering old ground. That said, while I've known these things, I've only recently reached the point where I was ready to start living some of these truths, including being ready to accept that some people just will not like me and that's okay.

I've worried before that if I admitted to certain likes or dislikes or pursued specific interests there would be some who would mock me or think less of me. But guess what, I've learned...if they're willing to judge me and would mock me for my beliefs, I probably don't agree with their values and shouldn't be friends with them anyway.

So, all of that is to say, some of you may read the rest of this post and think, "God, that woman is a total flake!" Some of you may read it and think I'm overly judgmental or clueless or that I "just don't get it." And that's okay. You can disagree with me. Just respect my right to believe what I believe and I'll do the same for you.

Alright... So with that out of the way, I really wanted to share some information that I feel is making me and my family happier and healthier.

Recently, I was introduced to Young Living Essential Oils by my cousin, Heather. Technically, she's my husband's cousin, but to me she's family and I love her as if she were my own blood. Heather has been using essential oils to help treat her children's asthma for a while and after seeing the success she had, I was intrigued.

Our family experienced some health issues as the result of side effects from a medicine one of us was treated with...side effects never mentioned by the doctor or the pharmacist or listed on any materials associated with the drug. It was very scary and added to my growing distrust in modern medicine. Between doctors getting paid by pharmaceutical companies to prescribe their drugs, the spread of antibiotic-resistant bacteria like MRSA, and the fact that medical mistakes are the third leading cause of death in America (behind #1 heart-disease and #2 cancer), I prefer to have options.

I'm never going to be someone who stops seeing the doctor or doesn't vaccinate her kids. That's just not who I am. I do however believe that there are old home remedies and natural remedies that are just as powerful and far safer than prescription drugs and modern interventions. I've often wished I had my grandmother's recipe for a headache tonic. I remember her using it on me when I began having migraines as a kid and now when I get a migraine, I crave the cool, soothing cloth and smell of camphor that always eased me into a pain-free sleep.

So, for me, essential oils make sense. I was willing to give it a shot and I must say, I'm quite glad I have. I have discovered that I can knock out a sinus infection in under 24 hours without the use of antibiotics and all their nasty side effects. I've also found something I can use to alleviate some of the anxiety and stress my son feels without having to resort to using dangerous drugs with God-only-knows what kinds of long-term effects.

It may or may not be for you, but if you're curious and would like to learn more, I'm happy to share what I've learned or direct you to folks who know even more than me.

Ten Steps to Being a Happier, More Balanced Mommy

I recently watched an episode of The Simpsons with my family. In the episode, Marge reconnects with her "mommy" friends and starts creating a social life for herself outside her family. My favorite part of the episode is animation of Marge's brain, showing the different segments of her life. A very large chunk of her brain is labeled "Repressed Rage," but after just a few moments of hanging out with her friends, that part of her brain is pushed aside by the part labeled "Social Life."

My oldest boy interpreted Marge and the other moms as "hating their kids," because they wanted to spend time with each other and not be with their kids every moment of every day. I explained, of course, that was far from the case and that like me, even those cartoon moms love their kids, however, moms are people, too. I explained that it makes me happy to spend time with my friends or go places by myself and do things I like to do, just like he enjoys playing with his friends and doing the things he finds fun.

It took me the first two years of his life to realize that and start trying to find a sense of balance and sometimes even now, eight years in, I feel like I don't have the full and richly balanced life I want. But I try. I know that if I have things in my life that matter to me besides my kids, things that make me think and breathe and feel and wonder and use skills other than my parenting smarts, I am a happier person. I am woman, wife, lover, friend, cousin, writer, creator, dreamer, and believer. Not just mommy, cleaner of spills and wiper of bottoms, storyteller and consoler. If I model a balanced life for my sons, hopefully they will one day strive to create lives of their own that balance responsibility with their passions.

If you're a new mom or if you've found yourself stuck in the mommy rut, never leaving your house except to grocery shop, never talking about anything other than your kids or to anyone other than your kids, and more or less feeling like you don't know who you are any more, here are a few ideas to help you reconnect with yourself and rebuild a complete life that celebrates your role as mother and allows you to be fully who you are:

1. Spend some quiet time alone each day or as often as you can, doing nothing.

2. Pray or meditate.

3. Learn to say no to your children.

4. Resume a hobby you put aside, like writing, reading for pleasure, painting, playing music, etc.

5. Take a class.

6. If you're married or live with your significant other, let your partner get up with the kids when they awake early or in the night.

7. Turn off the Laurie Berkner and listen to music you love. (Watch the lyrics, though!)

8. Plan at least one night alone with your partner each week or bi-weekly at the very least. (If you can't afford a sitter, trade with friends. Or put the kids to bed early and have hubby pick up some take out. Turn off the t.v., put on your favorite music, and just talk.) If you're single, plan a night out with a friend or friends once a week or so to unwind and be with other adults (besides your co-workers!).

9. Read. Books. Magazines. Online newspapers. Let yourself be informed and entertained and feel like you know about something other than Sesame Street or Yo Gabba Gabba.

10. Exercise. Whether it's a walk around the block, a Stroller Strides class, Zumba, training for a marathon, or lifting weights, find a fitness routine that helps you burn off frustsration and do something good for yourself.

And always remember to be kind  to yourself. Parenting is hard work and whether you're a stay-at-home mom or work outside the home, there are few breaks from it, at least until your kids start school and that requires a different kind and level of mental energy. Just remember the person you were before having kids and know she's still in there and all the better for being a mommy.

The Times They Are A-Changin'

Back in January, right after I turned 40 (BTW, You probably shouldn't know this, but I'll tell you anyway... Everytime I say that, I throw up in my mouth a little...), I decided it was time to get serious about getting fit. I had been doing the Jillian Michaels' 30-Day Shred, but decided I needed to step it up. I loved that workout and I was seeing great results, but I needed someone, other than Scott and that mean, badgering critic in my head (Hi, Mom!), to hold me accountable.

My deep-fried hot friend Jennifer had been going to a trainer named Eric for a while and followed him from the neighborhood L.A. Fitness to his own gym. I decided that whatever she was doing was working and since she spoke so highly of him, I decided it was worth a try. The price was steep but I don't regret it for one minute.

Yes, my body is reshaping and I love that. But so is my belief in myself and what I am capable of. Some of those critical voices in my head are beginning to quiet. And I, the real me, my Inner Being - that part of me connected most closely to God - is getting louder. And she's telling those voices in my head - my mom, old boyfriends, frenemies, bad teachers, bullies – well, she's telling them to shut the fuck up!

She's telling me that I am beautiful and vibrant and yes, at 40, still young. Still relevant. Still worthy of love and joy and excitement. Still worthy of Life.

And maybe some days I have to summon that Inner Being to remind me of those things again and again and again. But her voice is getting clearer to me.

It's not just the working out. (Oh! By the way, did I mention that I benchpressed 75=lbs. today? Pretty good for a chick, as my old highschool friend Shane the football player told me today.)

I've also been meditating, though not daily. I would love to fall asleep at midnight. Wake at six a.m. and meditate for at least 15 minutes before the wee ones awoke. Sadly, that ain't happenin'.

I fall asleep by midnight most nights, but then Cooper, our beautiful, sad, sweet 14-year old puppy awakes several times in the night. Last night was the first night in ages he only got up once. I'm giving him Valerian root, but he had been off it for a couple of weeks and totally regressed to his senile behavior. With little solid sleep, I've been a mess. Then, to top it off, Beckett or both boys have been coming into our room at around 6 a.m., meaning that even if I had gotten a solid night's sleep and awoken bright-eyed and bushy-tailed at 6:00 a.m. like I want to do, I'd just be facing my little men telling me they were ready for their oatmeal or asking me to turn on the T.V. No time for meditation then.

Even still, when I do get to do it, while they're napping or watching a movie, I can tell it's making me feel more whole. More like a real woman capable of making tough decisions. I feel far more capable as a parent, more in tune with my own beliefs and less insecure about my parenting choices since I've been meditating.

Still, it's a practice I'd like to explore in more depth. My friend Chris, whose partner Yasuko teaches mediation at their joint venture, The Center for Remembering and Sharing, sent me a link to this article on mediation today. I found it extremely helpful. The train analogy really clicked for me.

Then there are the dietary changes. Scott and I, along with our kids by association, are also eating healthier. I've cut out almost all HFCS from our diet. The kids still get a few items that have it because there aren't really any affordable alternatives to some items and I really just am not ready to be the totally green mom who doesn't let her kids enjoy anything in life. Give me a few months.

We've also given up anything with aspartame in it, trying only to use Stevia as the only sugar alternative in our diet. Scott, too, is on the workout bandwagon and looking sexier than ever.

We're really focused on living healthy lives around here. And I'm really excited about that. My mother didn't really try at all to take care of herself. By the time she was my age she had already had a heart attack. And yes, that was partly due to the fact that she was a Type I Diabetic, but had she monitored her diet carefully and exercised and done all the things her doctors told her to do, in fact, had she gone to the doctor regularly, she could have prevented her death at 59 of ischemic cardiomyopathy.

I do not intend to leave my amazing sons motherless until they are well grown and I've seen my grandchildren. My mom essentially left me motherless at 12 when I had to start worrying about her health.

All that stinkin' thinkin' aside, I hope that soon I'll start to really notice some additional and tangible changes to all this healthy livin'. Like a little more joy. A little more love. A little more hot mama. And a whole lot less mean-woman up in my head.