Getting Better

A Facebook friend, a woman with whom I attended college, started a Facebook group called, "Everyday I Wake Up Happy No Matter What."

I overcame my fear of joining such a group and dove in. Whether it's true at this moment or not, I want it to be. Because I'll be damned if Life isn't pretty good.

No, it's not perfect. Yet. And it never will be. It's just a journey, with bumps and broken bridges, but with lots of gorgeous scenery and laughter and love to be shared along the way.

I have two amazing sons and a wonderful, sexy and handsome, devoted husband who takes amazing care of his family. And he's also hella talented.

Then there's the fact that I've had two wonderful projects come along lately. One creating a web site for local pet sitter. The other writing an article about a friend's company.

My boys and I spent the afternoon at the pool with some friends. I spent last evening playing Bunco with girlfriends from the neighborhood. Yesterday morning, I took my boys and my friend Lucy-Loo's two sons to the playground and we had a blast.

If I just get out of my head and stop dwelling on what's wrong with Life, what's wrong with me, or what's wrong with those around me, I am able to open my eyes to see all the amazing wonder that is, just waiting for me to acknowledge and appreciate it. And so, as I do, I find more and more good stuff to revel in!

I think it may have taken me several years, struggling with who I am and who I want to be and trying to become SOMEONE THAT MATTERED, to realize that who I am is okay. To know that I do matter.

I'm a passionate and loving wife who works every day to make herself better in some way. A steadfast mother who sees her faults and works hard to overcome them. A loyal friend who longs to grow closer to those in my life. A writer who has once and for all decided to embrace the thing I love and to pursue it with all my passion. I'm flawed, but I'm getting better all the time. Like a fine wine, appreciating my pressurized surroundings and constantly improving with age.

World on Fire: One Community Loses a Shining Light

2010 is not beginning the way anyone would want their year to start.

For my community, the beginning of this year has been marked by pain and loss, sorrow and confusion.

On Monday we learned that a family from our neighborhood was missing. On Tuesday, we learned that the two children, a boy and girl in third and second grades, were in Virginia with relatives. Their father had dropped them off on Monday. On Wednesday, we learned that the mother was dead. Murdered by her husband.

Her name was Maureen. And I didn't know her. I had seen her at the school and at the pool. She was close to friends of mine. Yet, I am shaken to the core by this.

You see these stories on the news all the time. A father loses a job or has financial trouble or loses his mind for one reason or another and murders the whole family. Yet, reading about it on CNN is a hell of a lot different than experiencing it so close to home.

I can't stop thinking about it. I'm so worried about her children.

I picked up my son's ragged lovey yesterday, a dog named Uffie. And as I held him and smelled his dirty fur, all I could think was "Who will make sure Maureen's kids' lovies are preserved?" Who will treasure and hold on to the mementoes of their childhood? As if that even matters.

Their childhood is gone.

Shattered. Stolen.

By their father.

I am furious. And heartbroken.

And I am amazed by the things I have learned about Maureen. And sad I never knew her. She sounds amazing.

All of my friends who knew her and everyone who posted comments on her Facebook page has talked about how she encouraged them and helped them. They talk about her smile and laughter and quick wit and passion for life and family.

I wish I had known her.

Maybe that's why I'm so sad.

My community lost a vital member. Someone who was a vibrant life force who inspired others and made them believe in themselves. Someone who saw the joy to be had in life and embraced it.

I've certainly seen and been a part of my community coming together to support one of its own in quite meaningful ways. But the outpouring of love and emotion I've seen for Maureen has been astounding. I am thankful to be a part of this community, but I think we are lessened by the loss of Maureen and her children who will, I am sure, be going to live with relatives.

I hope we will all, even those of us who did not know her personally, honor Maureen by carrying something of her optimism and joy for life with us.

May she rest in peace.

Life is a Highway: Happy Birthday, Beckett!

"Happy Birthday to You! Happy Birthday to You!" we sang.

"Me?" Beckett squealed delightedly as we sang, 15 or so smiling faces showering him with love and affection.

He genuinely sounded surprised and delighted, his James cake that I baked and decorated just for him, sitting before him.

It is that sweetness, that sense of wonder and delight and joy in everything he does that makes my sweet Beckett so special. Perhaps because he has been such an easy baby and toddler when compared to his beautiful, intelligent, sensitive, stubborn, Dyspraxic brother who questions everything and pushes every button, that these three years have all but flown by. Or maybe it was the distractions of a life lived more fully this time. Whatever the cause, I want my baby back. (Okay... Am I the only one who just heard that Chili's commercial in my head? Okay. Good.)



Seriously. Where did all the time go? How did he get to be so big and strong and tough. He talks constantly and makes up funny stories. He says the funniest things. He has a delightful sense of humor. He's just like his big bro in his love for all things Thomas. But he also loves animals. Especially elephants. He does the cutest impersonation of a baby elephant and insists that I be the mommy elephant.

He just moved to a big boy bed on Monday night. I got a fantastic deal on a great mattress on craigslist from an interior decorator who does model homes. And I bought his cute, old-fashioned solid wood bed at a yard sale last summer for $5. I plan to paint it, but he was eager to have his own bed like his brother instead of the crib he was still in with the side removed.

He helped me pick out dinosaur bedding for it, which I haven't ordered yet, but plan to do later this week. It will be part of his Christmas presents. The bed was his birthday gift from Mom and Dad. His brother gave him the James train (which he had already) as his gift. We encourage Brendan to give Beckett one of his toys that he has outgrown as a gift each birthday and Christmas. How long that can last, I don't know. But I love how Brendan has embraced and really gives it a lot of consideration.

All of this rumination is really, quite simply, about how much I hate the passage of time. I would have liked to have had more children. I still long for a daughter and find myself increasingly resentful of friends and acquaintances who are expecting who tell me they are having girls. Not all of them, of course. But some. I know that I don't feel like I could do the whole pregnancy thing again. Not because I feel old physically. I actually feel fantastic. But, I am regaining my body. I am more physically fit than I ever have been in my life because I started working out pretty consistently after Beckett, dropping out from time to time because of my schedule or sickness or whatever. But the idea of taking 9 months off, of getting stretched out again. I can't do it. Call me selfish. Call me vain. (You're so vain! I bet you think this post is about you, don't you, don't you?) Whatever. I am turning 40 in January. I want to own my body for once and love it.

Beckett's birthday is just another mile marker on Life's Highway that reminds me to embrace and enjoy every day, every moment. I spend way too much time locked up in sorrow and worry, anxiety and grief over my failings or loss or the failings and loss of others. All I have is now. All any of us have is now. I want to be thankful for the beautiful gifts – Scott, Brendan, Beckett, Courtney (my bestest friend) my friends, extended family, my talents, my home, my health, my faith – and let the rest of the chaff flow on down the river.

And I want my sons to live their lives filled with gratitude and joy. How can they do that if their parents don't embrace that attitude?

So, what is the best gift I can give my Beckett? A life lived fully, in love, in faith, in joy.

Happy Birthday, Little One.

Sea of Teeth

Not only has summer flown by, but it has brought a host of changes.

Both my boys grow and change and become increasingly more...human every minute of every day. Right before my very eyes.

In the span of a month, Brendan has lost his first two teeth; teeth that seem as if they came in yesterday as I massaged his tender gums with cooling gel and froze binkies for him to suck on.

Beckett has gone from baby to little boy overnight as well, it seems. Two weeks ago I pulling my hair out and trying to schedule an appointment with Babies Can't Wait to have him evaluated for a speech deficit because at 31 months old, he's still not speaking in sentences. Then, on Thursday of this week, he just pops out with his first sentence, telling me, "Mom, I have a poop." Meaning, of course, that he had a dirty diaper.

Then, he told me to "Put the lid down." Since then, he has added sentences to tell us that his brother is mean, to ask me to stop doing something he didn't like, and to direct us all to do his bidding.

He has also become less tolerant of having his big brother take his toys without asking and more demanding and grabby himself. Preschool should be fun!

Fear of having a burgeoning bully on my hands aside, all of this rapid change in the boys is very exciting. I love seeing them grow and learn and become more confident and more of who they truly are every day.

It's far to easy to get caught up in life's daily minutiae and miss the miracle of it all. I may not always express it and I know that my penchant for falling into depression can mask it, but I really am amazed by the joy that is to be found in creating, living with, mothering, and just being around these little people, who still live each and every moment fully. What a fantastic experience!

I'm So Tired

I hate feeling dumb. But boy do I feel dumb today.

For a couple of weeks now I have been totally on edge. Snapping at people. My poor kids and husband included. I've felt edgy, achy, totally discombobulated.

This week, it kind of came to a head. I was feeling anxious about Scott's show. I had to make a decision about a job offer I'd received for a pretty cool job that would pay a fantastic amount of money but require me to go into an office one day a week and force us to hire a nanny and/or housekeeper because I'd need someone to help with Beckett. I walked around in tears or on the verge of tears for a week.

There were a couple of moments where I wondered if I might be having a nervous breakdown.

I was wondering what was up? Why would stuff that I could typically deal with without batting an eyelash push me so close to the edge?

Then, Saturday, it dawned on me.

I haven't had a break since May. Scott and I have gone out alone a couple of times, but most of the times we've had a sitter, it's been because he's playing. Or we've gone out with other people. I've been with the kids constantly except for the two or three times I've hired a sitter to go to a work meeting.

No down time for me since May. Even when Beckett has napped, I still have Brendan.

I love my kids. I love my life. But sometimes... I need some time. A bubble bath. A quiet hour with a book. To go to the bathroom without someone knocking on the door and asking me to come do something that could wait.

So, this morning, I planned to get up at 6:30 and work out. I actually woke up a bit earlier raring to go. I got up, did some Pilates, and only just now has Beckett awoken. Brendan is still asleep.

And I feel great!

Refresed, revived, and ready to go.

Hold On

What a random day I've had.

When I got up this morning I was overwhelmingly sad about all the conflict I've been having with Brendan lately. Is five the new two? I have spoken with some of the other moms of kids in his class and they all seem to be dealing with similar issues.

I went online and did some reading and came up with some new ideas for how to handle some of the stuff we're dealing with. I decided that I am not going to turn this food thing into a huge battle. I love the ideas that Jen and Just Me suggested. We've actually been saving his dinner and telling him he can have that, but he whines and cries and many a night, I forget to save it and throw it out, but at least we're getting better at it.

Anyway, I was just starting to think I could get a handle on this stuff when I got a call from Brendan's school saying he was sick and I should come get him. When I got there, he was sobbing because his stomach hurt and he could barely walk. I had to ask another parent to carry Beckett back out to the car while I carried Brendan. All I could think was appendicitis.

I went to the pediatrician's office which is two minutes away, but they were at lunch and I had to wait 30 min. for their return. By the time the pediatrician got there, he didn't hurt anymore. After examining him, she guessed either a colon spasm, but felt like he didn't have the right combination of symptoms or issues; or kidney stones, but again, not the right list of other complaints.

We spent the rest of the afternoon on the couch reading books and watching TV and playing Matchbox cars and Bionicles. It was the most pleasant afternoon we've had in a few weeks because I wasn't trying to juggle kids, chores, work, cooking dinner, etc. I opted for a very easy dinner of steak, baked potatoes, and oven roasted veggies and encouraged the boys to play with their cars in the kitchen while I cooked.

I had loaded the dishwasher with the day's accumulation of dishes plus the leftover pans from last night's baking adventures and started running it only to look over and see a couple of sippy cups that needed washing. So, I opened the door to the dishwasher which is supposed to stop running when the door is opened. Only that didn't happen. It kept running and I got quite a good splashing. Of course, because it was spraying, I couldn't get the drawer to slide back in and get the door closed. It took me several seconds to think to turn it off. By then, I was soaked from the knees down and quite damp every where else and the floor was covered in water. Fortunately, at that point the boys were playing elsewhere.

Any other day, I would have freaked out and been really pissed off. But today.... Today, it just made me laugh. Maybe because I was so relieved Brendan wasn't seriously ill. Maybe because I was actively trying to be patient and not let anything bother me. Maybe because I kept imagining what it must have looked like from another perspective.

Who knows? I guess it doesn't really matter. I've lived to fight another day as they say. Or preferably, not fight, but enjoy the day and those around me.

I can't help but wonder if the last few weeks have seemed so god-awful because I stopped taking the antidepressant I was on for ppd. I don't want to be someone who can't function without a pill. I don't think it's wrong if that's what you need. It just makes me sad to think of having to live that way. I want to be able to manage on my own, to learn how to control my own emotions without being numbed to them.

Whatever the case may be, it felt nice to manage today. To turn it around and feel like I could make a change.Hold

Sick of Me

I hate being overemotional.

I used to think I was just a really passionate, caring person. But now, I wish I could be more analytical and robotic by nature.

Anyway, I really think that having this low-grade sickness, sinus infection, crud, or what-the-hell-ever it is for the last three weeks while taking care of two boys who've slept irregularly for the last three weeks (although it has improved dramatically this week! Yay for sleep!), has taken its toll and also contributed to my spaz-fest.

I mean, really? Who sits around thinking about being alone when they could take joy in their friendships, their partner, their beautiful children, their wonderful life.

And I have been thinking about all those things.

I have felt on top of the world the last week or so. I am working on writing some articles to submit to various publications. I'm making new friends and building relationships. I'm in touch with a ton of old friends from high school (thank you My Space!) and my darling cousin who was like a sister to me growing up.

I don't know why I would spin out like that.

I'm sorry God. I'm sorry Universe. I'm sorry Scott. I'm sorry all my dear friends that I take for granted. I'm sorry my darling sons.

I promise to do better. To focus on all the goodness and joy. To be the person I want to be. Happy and grateful.

Auld Lang Syne

2007 was a long, exciting, difficult, heart-bending, challenging, dark, and beautiful year. I'm thankful I survived it and thankful I experienced it. And I'm looking forward with great hope to 2008.

If you were here and listened to me as I poured my heart out to the blogosphere, thank you. Thank you to A. and Renn and Jeremy and Rich and Suz and all of y'all who offered encouragement when I thought I was going to be pulled under the dark waters of ppd. Naturally, I couldn't have done it without the compassion of Scott and the friends who dwell here with me in 3-D land. But I also couldn't have thrived the way I think I have without the heartfelt support of those of you whom I only know through our blogs and our crazy desire to throw it all up and out for the world to feel. Just knowing y'all were out there reading somehow made me keep writing and that somehow made me keep going and gaining hope each day that the darkness would lift. And one day, it did. And y'all were (mostly) all still here. Thanks.

I look forward to hearing what you're all up to in the New Year.

I hope we all experience the richness of God's blessings this year.

With love and hope...Happy New Year.

Within You, Without You

Yesterday as we were leaving the chiropractor's office, Brendan exclaimed, This is the best day! I got to do all kinds of things I was expecting...go to Chik-fil-A, go to the doctor, then go to the park! Thanks, Mommy!"

Then, he very quickly followed that statement with, This is the funnest life ever!

I have mixed feelings about the idea of reincarnation, but I do believe children, especially the younger they are, are tuned in spiritually in ways that most adults are incapable of. We've lost the innocence or willingness to believe in the things we can't see or comprehend whereas kids just accept those things as they come.

It also made me really happy to think that if we are reincarnated and this is not Brendan's first life that I have somehow contributed to making it a really good one for his soul. I hope we can continue to do so.

Life is a Carnival

I have so much to do, I really shouldn't be sitting here blogging. Yet, I can't pull myself up and out of this chair. It's freezing cold out; Beckett's still sleeping; I'm a little drowsy; the Christmas tree is lit and I have a steaming cup of coffee. I think I'll just sit here a bit longer.

It's been a long week. We're having Beckett's first birthday party tomorrow. Scott's parents, his brothers and their families, a few friends from the neighborhood, some cake. Good times. But I've been stressing all week, cleaning like a maniac. Putting away baby clothes that have been outgrown. Crying and feeling melancholy at how quickly the time has gone by. Decorating the house for Christmas. Yesterday I got up at 6 a.m. and literally did not stop moving until Scott got home last night, which was some time after 8:00 p.m. I am worn out. And as tired and stressed out as I am, things are harder for Scott.

He has deadlines at work. For weeks, I haven't seen him before 8 p.m. at night, unless we have something else going on and he can break away early. I've been keeping Brendan up so Scott can spend some time with him before he goes to bed, otherwise, Scott would never see him. Beckett usually is asleep by the time Scott gets home, so I made a point last night of keeping him up. By the time we're done with dinner and everyone's in bed, I feel like a zombie and feel terrible that I'm not better company.

But, I know that this is just the phase of life we're in right now. I think every family has their own version of this and my job right now is to simply figure out how to make things less stressful for all of us.

Getting my house organized is one way and what I'm working on. When Scott comes home, I want him to feel like he's come home to a place of comfort and sanctuary. Some place low stress.

I'm also thinking of ways I can reduce my own stress. Thanks to A., I've realized I don't have to cook a new meal every night. We can eat leftovers once in a while. Duh!

Anyway, I'm working on it. Life is good. Tiring. But good.

Swan Dive

Here's how my week's shaping up...

Two sick kids. One wheezing and requiring breathing treatments a couple of times a day. One with a fever I can't get down.
One house in need of major, major cleaning. A dinner party we're supposed to host on Saturday night. A deadline looming on Friday. A new job I was supposed to have a final interview for today. A husband with a major deadline of his own at work who can't afford to get sick right now. And three nights in a row with little sleep.

I guess it could be worse.

At least we have Duke basketball tonight. Whoo-hooo.

All This and More

So much to write about and so little time. Hopefully I will have time for a couple of detailed posts later to cover the following topics:

Why and how I've been converted to the darkside

Beckett's burgeoning skills and our plans for his birthday party

Writing projects (and how you might be able to help)

Brendan's new interest in reading and all the cool things he knows

Halloween fun

Right now, I have so much going on, I feel as if I am in a whirlpool, getting sucked deeper and deeper down, far away from a place where I feel like I'm in control of anything in my life. I wish I could stop time and just get it together for a minute.

Revelling

It felt as if last week flew by, but looking back on it – and realizing I haven't posted in over a week – I realize just how long it was.

Brendan attended Vacation Bible School at our church from Monday through Friday. On Monday, he was really upset and didn't want to go, but the next morning was out of bed and at my side before I awoke, telling me he wanted to go to church school.

I thought I'd get a lot done, having 3 hours every morning to do things, but the time burned by in a flash. The wedding I was helping plan and direct was on Saturday, so I had several things to take care of with regard to that. Our friends Mike and Becca came to town from DC where Mike teaches at American University. They came on Wednesday night, stayed Thursday, then Friday drove to Athens to see Mike's brother.

On Friday, Scott's mom came to town to help with the kids while I was working. Also, because we know the groom's familly, Scott was invited to the wedding Saturday night, so of course, we needed help with the kids then.

Scott's mom left yesterday and Mike returned to the spend a few more days with us, while Becca took a train home to be at work this morning.

Mike is going to play with Scott at his shows at Swallow. I can't wait.

Of course, I'm so exhausted from the wedding that I can barely walk. My legs hurt so bad today. Worse than yesterday. Also, despite having worn comfortable yet stylish shoes, my feet have blisters in four places. I have shin splints, and my thighs and hamstrings are killing me. And, the front part of my foot/leg where the foot connects to the leg. Very strange.

It's all because it was an outdoor wedding in a gorgeous garden at a local hotel. The hotel is at the top of a hill, the garden about 1/4 mile at the bottom of the hill. I literally made the walk up and down the hill about 20 times running supplies down, helping the florist, helping the minister, just getting everything ready.

It was worth it. The day went great. The weather cooperated with a brief rain shower starting just as people were leaving the wedding site. It was over in less than 5 minutes.

There were only two minor problems, but nothing disastrous. The bride's grandmother who was in a wheelchair decided she had to use the restroom 2 minutes before we were ready to start. The wedding site is not easily wheelchair accessible, at least not from the hotel itself. So, I had to run across the street to an office building, see if it was open and ask if we could use the bathroom. Get two groomsmen to wheel her over there, have someone help her, let the wedding party know what was going on. Kind of a pain, but certainly not the worst thing that could happen.

The other thing was that I couldn't get the ceremonial candle lighter (that was way too big) to stay lit. I was re-lighting it for the third time as the mother-of-the-groom was walking down the aisle. Yikes.

It all worked out in the end and was a sweet, lovely ceremony. I had fun and I learned a few things and I would definitely do it again.

Despite what my legs are telling me.