Satellite: Please Visit We Aren't Perfect's PPD Confessional

Those of you who have read my blog for a while might remember my own experience with PPD. After my son Beckett was born, I had a really rough time. After months of feeling like I was the worst mother and wife in the world, feeling unloved, terrified, anxious, and sometimes as if I would literally burst free of my own skin, I ended up very ill physically. My kind and loving mother-in-law convinced me to talk to my who told me my immune system was shutting down due to sleep deprivation and the stress of having a newborn. But it wasn't until a few weeks later when I called him from my car, sobbing because I felt worthless and didn't think I could be a mother any more that he diagnosed me with post-partum depression and put me on Zoloft. That changed everything and in a few weeks I felt like myself again.

Crystal, over at the blog We Aren't Perfect, has also had her own experience of PPD and to help shine the light on this debilitating condition that affects anywhere from five to 25% of new mothers, she is hosting a PPD Confessional to allow other women to share their experiences with this disease. Between now and July 31, you can e-mail Crystal your story to help other women who might find themselves in your shoes.

Let your story shine a light of hope for others who walk through that dark night as you once did.

Sleepless Nights

Yay for sleep!

It's so underrated and under appreciated by the young and childless and those who just happen to be blessed with little need of it.

I got almost 6 hours of the good stuff last night. Of course, the last two hours were fragmented due to little boys waking up while it was still dark outside and when I was asleep I was having horrible dreams. But, still, it's so much more than I've gotten the last two nights.

Thursday night/Friday morning Brendan had an asthma attack at 4 a.m. after I'd only been asleep for four hours and we never made it back to sleep. Then Friday night, I got a second wind that kept me up talking with Scott until 2 a.m. Both boys were then awake yesterday morning at 5 a.m. and even though I tried to nap yesterday, it was never for more than 15 minutes at a time because I kept getting woken up.

I hate myself when I'm exhausted. I'm crabby. Edgy and dull. Dim witted. Snappish and surly.

I wonder if anyone has ever examined postpartum depression and any resulting abuses as they relate to lack of sleep. I have never physically struck out at my kids and never would, but I know that I certainly have far less patience on days when I don't get enough sleep. And it's on those days that I can see how some parents who have fewer resources and coping skills might totally lose it. I'm not excusing anyone for anything, but when I'm worn out and feeling ill and contrary, I can see how it all just might fall apart in a split second.

Sleep is a miracle drug.

This morning, I feel like a new woman. Rested. Cheerful. Ready for the day.

And looking forward to nap time...for all of us.

Save Me

Sometimes God or the Universe or Whom or Whatever You Believe In knows just what you need.

After feeling REALLY CRAZY thanks to the ppd for a couple of days, I had a crazy-busy-pretty-okay week that ultimately left me feeling pretty damned lucky. And loved.

I got a lot of support from three old and good friends. I heard from several friends (via e-mail) that I hadn't talked to in a while and ended up being unexpectedly social this week. Social and highly caffeinated. On Monday, I invited my friend Tara over for coffee in the afternoon. We had a really nice time visiting and I definitely feel closer to her. She's a warm and friendly, down-to-earth kind of woman and I just feel extremely at ease with her.

Tuesday was a drag, but I survived. Wednesday I received a spur of the moment lunch invitation from my friend Jennifer when I ran into her at our kids' preschool. We went back to her house and ate a delicious lunch while the kids ate their grilled cheese sandwiches and played outside.

That afternoon my friend Lucy called and invited me to coffee at her house on Thursday morning. We ended up making homemade guacamole and munching and laughing our bums off at our worst parenting stories while our babies napped and our big boys were at preschool.

Then, today I went for coffee with Lucy, Laura, and Stacey. Jennifer and Tara were also supposed to be there, but sick kids prevented them from joining us. This coffee date was the only thing I had planned all week. But, I so needed to be around other people and to know I have friends who don't judge me for feeling blue when I have everything to be happy about.

They're all moms. They get it, having been there or had loved ones who were there.

I am so blessed to have fallen into this social group. There was no guarantee we would all like and accept one another. But it has really worked out well. I think I've found some women who can become lifelong friends.

I am grateful. I am glad.